I have not been blogging of late… well maybe of long.. it has been more than a year since I put thoughts to words to paper.. I had no words for a while.. drained and tired of the constant work to keep the thoughts of cancer coming back and tucked very far away behind other things.. lurking.. lurking.. waiting to come out with the next scare or reminder.
Other cancer survivors know how even when in remission our thoughts, prayers and breath all swirl around the goal to stay alive.. and the guilt that we may not because we did not exercise enough, we did not give up sugar, we did not mediate and eat organic foods.. we did not wish enough.. just did not..
Always lurking.. the thoughts that we made this happen for one reason or another and we must.. we must keep it from happening again.. we act strong .. we act normal.. but it is fear that drives us.. the silly fears that a much wanted diet coke on a 105 degree day may be the deal breaker.. you have to watch out for those deal breakers..
People say..live your life.. live for the day… if I were you I would do anything I wanted..
and all I want is to stop the lurking thought..the fear.. that comes up every time I hear someone has left us because of this disease..
I am not sure when this goes away.. is it something you realize if you are lucky and years and years pass and you look up and are surprised that something is different.. like when you look in the mirror and think.. where have the last 10 years gone.. do you look up one day and realize that there is no fear.. or do you just spend the rest of your life with that lurking thought and that just becomes normal.
I can only wish..
redefinedme2you 