we can only wish..

I have not been blogging of late… well maybe of long.. it has been more than a year since I put thoughts to words to paper.. I had no words for a while.. drained and tired of the constant work to keep the thoughts of cancer coming back and tucked very far away behind other things.. lurking.. lurking.. waiting to come out with the next scare or reminder.

Other cancer survivors know how even when in remission our thoughts, prayers and breath all swirl around the goal to stay alive.. and the guilt that we may not because we did not exercise enough, we did not give up sugar, we did not mediate and eat organic foods.. we did not wish enough.. just did not..

Always lurking.. the thoughts that we made this happen for one reason or another and we must.. we must keep it from happening again.. we act strong .. we act normal.. but it is fear that drives us.. the silly fears that a much wanted diet coke on a 105 degree day may be the deal breaker.. you have to watch out for those deal breakers..

People say..live your life.. live for the day… if I were you I would do anything I wanted..

and all I want is to stop the lurking thought..the fear.. that comes up every time I hear someone has left us because of this disease..

I am not sure when this goes away.. is it something you realize if you are lucky and years and years pass and you look up and are surprised that something is different.. like when you look in the mirror and think.. where have the last 10 years gone.. do you look up one day and realize that there is no fear.. or do you just spend the rest of your life with that lurking thought and that just becomes normal.

I can only wish..

until I am in the South

I often forget about my mother’s people.. I associate myself  more with my father’s journey.. the immigrants story..

the story of  brothers.. one staying and one leaving for America… overcoming hardships and prejudice..

 

I forget about my mother’s people.. until I am in the south.. in Virginia.. where they originally came from..

 my great-grandfather was Daniel Webster Trigg… of the Virginia Triggs.. of the Abram Trigg line..

a farmer and a revolutionary..the family grew ..from Virginia to Kentucky  to Mississippi

where my mother’s father was born.. 

 

I never think of myself as a person with Southern roots..

although I recall my grandfather making fried grits on Sunday mornings..

and a trip to Mississippi and Georgia when I was young to visit Aunts with dark brown eyes like mine..

 

 until I am in the south.. where traveling along the Colonial Parkway takes you back to a time long ago..

where the trees are so thick along the road you almost feel like you are cocooned in green..

reaching around and up above you ..

they stretch out to touch each other..Wisteria blossoms here and there..

 

Dogwood blooms stark white against the green thickness..  

and time stands still..and with a deep breath and sigh.. I am home.

listen to the music..

We lost someone this week .. a young girl.. passed through this world much to quickly.. with too much difficulty.. it makes me angry.. I want to yell .. “Stop Taking Them!”… I want them to grow up and old.. find love and joy..

I feel overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings about death.. cancer and my commitment to stop both.. I find myself searching out song after song that has some meaning to me and find relief in them..

I see trees of green… red roses too
I see ’em bloom… for me and for you
And I think to myself… what a wonderful world.

I liked that song or enjoyed that artist… I find words and phrases and lilting music fill my mind and touch me like never before.. a gift ..one of many received..  How can the world be so evil and so good.. so selfish and so giving..

I see skies of blue… and clouds of white
Bright blessed days…. warm sacred nights
And I think to myself… what a wonderful world.

I wonder what brought me to this place.. and then the message comes loud and clear.. why have I wasted so much time doing so little and how can I do as much as I can in the time I have left..

The colors of a rainbow… so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces… of people going by
I see friends shaking hands…..sayin’.. how do you do?
They’re really sayin’… I love you.

I wish I could gather them all.. like flowers from a field.. and keep the close for me to watch..

I hear babies cry… I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more… than I’ll never know
And I think to myself… what a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself… what a wonderful world… oh yeah!

 I cannot save them all.. or any of them for that matter.. so for now I will listen to the music.. block out the heartbreak.. and know that God’s arms are around those that could no longer fight..

Rest In Peace ~ Amanda Gavin

breath…

the poem is borrowed.. dedicated to a gal I work on with on Relay.. she noticed it on a t-shirt and commented she is always saying it.. not sure if to herself or others.. but when she saw it on the soft blue t-shirt.. she smiled and said she was always saying it.. it seemed to be a favorite and you knew watching her as she held the shirt up to read the word clearly.. she was doing it at that moment.. 

breath…………

you have to release and let it leave your lungs to even say it.. with it goes tension, disillusions and frustrations…

breath………….

it allows you to stretch out your body .. important to a yoga pose..  calms nerves before walking on to a stage and helps bring babies into the world.. it helps you through pain, misunderstandings and keeps your body from its instinctual flight fright reactions..

when people say.. stay calm.. they mean breath….

I draw sweet air
Deeply and long,
As pure as prayer,
As sweet as song.
Where lilies glow
And roses wreath,
Heart-joy I know
Is just to breathe.

~ Robert Service

I need to go back and get that shirt..

 

 

On a clear day.. you can see forever.. pay attention

I am listening to music.. lots of it.. trying to find a song to use for a survivor lap around the track at Relay.. so many  songs.. so many messages.. I want something happy.. not sad.. upbeat.. bouncy and fun.. but it has to be clear it is a victory song.. for a victory lap.. my 6th time walking the track since my first diagnose.. but I keep finding music that I loved growing up.. and find myself lost in the tunes and the lyrics..

I keep coming back to a Streisand song.. probably completely inappropriate for Relay and totally perfect for me.. my parents used to play records.. my mother loved loved music..I remember my mother and my Aunts paying the piano at my grandparents house.. my early teen years were also the years of those moody love songs.. and I grew up playing those records over and over even though. not really my generation.. they took root in my heart and I still love them when I hear them..

On a clear day
Rise and look around you
And you’ll see who you are.
On a clear day
How it will astound you
That the glow of your being outshines ev’ry star.

You’ll feel part of ev’ry mountain sea and shore.
You can hear, from far and near,
A world you’ve never heard before.
And on a clear day…
On that clear day…
You can see forever and ever more!

My days become clearer and clearer and even though I sometimes sink into my troubles.. not understanding the reasons and whys of things.. a phone call or an email will clear the clouds away.. and I see again.. I am blessed because of the reminders God sends me of why I am here.. of why I matter.. it a clear day…  I see forever ..

 

redefined by cancer

Certainly I would be able to make this change.. write about trying to get healthy.. recipes.. losing weight.. not let my emotions enter my words and take over.. stop writing about what cancer does.. how it has effected me.. I thought I would be able to make this change.. but I cannot..

I find myself  redefined by my journey.. and by the journeys of others that I meet  because of my fight against cancer.. I could not find the word to use.. but a songbird named Laura came up with “Redefined”.. and I thought as soon as I read that word.. that is me..

Although all of the topics listed above will hopefully be intertwined in my stories.. I cannot turn away from the feelings that take over my ramblings and find their way to words.. Cancer effects so much more than a cell that refuses to behave.. it establishes an odds and ends family..it is a common sharing of secrets.. people tell you in a second if they are a survivor..  we blurt it out to complete strangers if we see them with a pink ribbon or a warrior scarf.. we are all redefined.. it is our choice in what way..

a : to reexamine or reevaluate especially with a view to change